


If One Were to Ask

by Miramise



Category: Homestuck
Genre: Board Games, Fluff, Gen, Humor, M/M, Not Epilogue Compliant, Universe C, no beta we die like men
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-04-23
Updated: 2019-04-23
Packaged: 2020-01-24 12:11:47
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,073
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18571222
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Miramise/pseuds/Miramise
Summary: If one were to ask at that exact moment, he would decry any and all knowledge associated with these insane weirdos.





	If One Were to Ask

**Author's Note:**

> Written for the [WindyZine](https://windyzine.tumblr.com/) project. Mentions of sex in a light/joking manner. This was written before the epilogues dropped, so not compliant in the least.

"You can not be serious."

If asked on any average day, John Egbert would happily tell anyone who wanted to know that he adored his friends. He often thought they were better people than he could hope to be in this post-game world. If asked, he could (would, and _has_ ) go on a long tangent of all their good points, and just kind of joke about their bad ones if they were mentioned. Yes, he really did cherish his friends.

If one were to ask John Egbert _at that exact moment_ , however, he would decry any and all knowledge of these insane weirdos. If asked, he'd simply say they were obviously crazy sociopaths who broke into his home, raided his cabinets, and decided to torture him with the most frustrating board game in existence.

John would forever regret not having the foresight to have chucked his Monopoly game out the window after all was said and done.

"Of course I'm serious, Egbert. Everybody knows you buy the cheap places up first and lay out a street of money-sucking hell and torture. One wrong spot and it's men laid out on the street, pockets and wallets burning in a fiery blaze because oh shit, who knew that cheap purple was gonna have that bitchin' hotel and time to pay the rent—"

Rose chuckled to casually interrupt Dave's long-winded tangent. "I doubt if John was questioning your desire to have Baltic Ave," she pointed out, "merely your method for acquiring it."

One white, fluffy ear twitched on Jade's head. "But are we really surprised by that?" she asked, absently looking over her own properties. "It's Dave we're talking about, after all."

"Touché," conceded Rose. "Though on another note, can I say I appreciate this being one of the original editions where Baltic and Mediterranean are still purple, instead of that 'what were they thinking' brown they used in the later—"

"Guys." John managed to avoid face-palming, despite the most exasperated urge to do so. He wondered for the umpteenth time why he was still friends with them. That and why he had this game to begin with. It wasn't even the current version, as Rose pointed out. Not that John ever wanted one before the original Earth went kablooie; that sad brown colour they tried to use for Baltic and Mediterranean was an insult.

Cheap dark purple forever!

"Guys," he repeated, giving himself a mental slap for his own silent tangent. "Seriously. You don't think his _offer_ was a bit _much_?"

Dave threw his hands up in front of himself in mock defense, poker face near perfect. "Hey now. I think even Rose can agree that my offer would be more than adequate compensation." He ignored the slight tick in his eye when he noticed Jade turning to Rose, her staged whisper clearly heard by all of them.

"That sounds like something you'd say."

Rose shrugged a shoulder. "I guess that thesaurus I gave him is being put to good use." She only offered a tepid smile at the glare her ecto-sibling shot her way. "What? Honestly, it was a gamble when you think about it. I was worried about igniting those sick fires of yours again." She blinked at the finger that was thrust into her face.

"You're saying that like those sick fires ever went out. They might dim, maybe even turn into sad little embers floating up in the sky, all lonely and shit because they got separated from the Mama Fire, but just wait into it hits some drywood and next thing you know, you're calling the fire department because we got an absolutely sick _inferno_ going on—"

John smacked his thigh hard, getting their attention back. Times like these he considered defecting to the B2 camp, as Dave had called their group of paradox guardians/siblings. Certainly none of _them_ would veer so far off the main topic, would they? Well, John couldn't be a hundred percent certain on that, but he thought they had themselves together a lot more than his group, at least.

"Dave, you offered me all your trains, the electric company, and a _blowjob for Baltic_!" John practically shouted.

"Yeah, okay, it might seem like the trains were overkill—"

John could only exhale the most utterly vexed sigh; this felt more and more like a faceslap times two combo moment. "A _blowjob_ , Dave, focus." The bespectacled young man held up a hand to forestall another tangent. "Who offers something like _that_ in a game of Monopoly— **don't answer that!** " he yelled quickly, seeing all three opening their mouths to do just that. "I neither care to know, nor care _about_ whoever would, because we're talking about us, here, and now." His raised hand was then slapped down hard near the board, though John took care not to displace any of the tokens. He wasn't sure this group wouldn't use the chance to come up with something even more ridiculous than Dave's offer. Though John felt absolutely no desire to even entertain what could top that. The memories would scar him for life.

Speaking of memories, he wondered if Roxy's void powers could work on the mind as well. Maybe she could help him erase his memories of this game and send all thoughts of it to the void, never to bother him again. He'd have to ask. Not to mention, he'd rather run the risk of Roxy possibly giving him a voided lobotomy than let Terezi do whatever to his brain. He wasn't that far off the rails yet.

 _That might only be a matter of time, the longer I hang around this group of nutjobs,_ John reasoned to himself.

"Okay, look. _No_ , no. Just… why, Dave? What the fuck, why?" And the longer he pondered on it, the less sense it made. Even as a joke, just… "No."

"Oh c'mon, Egbert. This is a sweet deal." Dave tapped his three railroads sitting in front of him. "You already have a train. Now you can get Reading, Pennsylvania, and Short Line. Four spots, bam, instant two hundred every time, all around the board."

He was going to have to nip this one right in the butt. John heaved a deep breath. "I don't want any oral in a trade for a board game deal, Dave," he finally stated, ignoring the faint heat he could feel just under his cheeks. "Just, no."

Instead of that being the end of it, and John really knew that was too optimistic to hope for, Dave tapped his chin a few times as he considered his options. "Fine. Then my rails, electric, Pacific Avenue, and lunch tomorrow on me—dress nice—for Baltic. That's fair, right?"

It puzzled John that nobody commented on the slight _ping_ he swore he heard, until he realised the sound was in his mind. The pieces fell together in a way that he wondered if they weren't putting a jigsaw picture together instead of trying to send each other into the figurative poor house.

"Were—are you asking me out?"

"You _did_ hear the 'dress nice' part, right?" Dave asked in lieu of a proper reply. "Get on board with the rest of us here, Egbert. You're gonna tell me this isn't the sweetest Monopoly trade you ever got?"

John refrained from pointing out the myriad of ways the trade was anything but sweet. "And you went in with a _blowjob_ of all things, so that the lunch date would seem that much more appealing." John sent a look in Rose's direction, who didn't even have the decency, let alone a single iota of shame, to pretend that wasn't her influence at work. She merely smiled and winked at him.

Not for the first time, John felt Sburb had mixed up Rose and Jade's classes. Rose was definitely a witch type, as far as his opinion went.

The urge to drop his face into his hands was too great, and John did so with the loudest sigh yet. "Was this whole game some kind of setup?" he wondered out loud.

Jade chirped from her place on the floor. "Not at all! I always wanted to play since I never did before. Anything else is all Dave."

One blue eye peeked between John's fingers to give Rose another look, who in turn acquiesced the silent point. "Maybe not all," the seer murmured.

"Not the point, here," Dave said. He waited until John's attention was back on him, then continued. "We didn't even know you had the game until today, so as Rox might say, totes not a setup." Dave waved a hand around to encompass the room. "Besides, we don't get to hang out as much now as we used to chat with each other before, which is a damn shame, I say."

"Here here!" cheered Jade, with Rose nodding next to her.

"And _maybe_ I hung out with the light-bright twins—don't even deny Kanaya wasn't glowing, Rose, and that is still ten grades of freaky—before we all came over here. And _possibly_ things were discussed, because conversation is a thing unless you just want to be _that guy_ who only comes over to watch someone's TV or raid their fridge and never say more than 'Yo, can I…?' and they're off making themselves a sandwich at home except buddy, wrong address—hey!" Dave reached up to rub the sore spot on his head where Rose just whacked him.

"John's eyes were beginning to glaze over," Rose said in the blandest tone she could manage. And how she knew that with his face still resting in his palms, John would have found impressive in any other circumstance.

The heir took a long, mental note of the situation. _Okay, trying to be reasonable is not working,_ he thought, _So I guess I have to let myself fall down to their level of insanity. Jeez, why am I the normal one? Well, as normal as anyone can be here._ He quickly shook himself clear of his own ruminations; John never wanted to be accused of being a hypocrite.

"You know," he said slowly, voice muffled by his hands, "You could have just asked me out like a nor—like a regular person would."

Dave, or 'the jerk who was becoming the bane of John's existence' as the heir was mentally calling him, just shrugged. "Can't say I didn't get your attention."

No, John definitely could _not_ say that. Nor could he say he didn't find the whole spectacle just a _teeny_ bit charming. After all, he really shouldn't have expected anything less from the Strilonde camp.

John lifted his head to find three sets of eyes (well, two and a pair of shades) intently staring back at him. "Fine," he heaved out, ignoring Jade's enthusiastic fist pump as well as Rose and Dave's unsubtle high-five. "But I expect a nice lunch, and there should be flowers involved."

"Oh, hey, whole works." Dave pulled out his phone and started tapping away. "I can even get a limo if you want the five star treatment."

"Three stars is fine." John refused to acknowledge the returning blush on his face and focused on the game. He noticed the Community Chest card Dave had gotten on his last turn (prior to that scandalous trade offer) and nicked it between his fingers to see what it said. "But as for getting Baltic. I think you're going to have to wait on that."

Dave didn't get the chance to mutter a protest before John shoved the card into his face. Rose and Jade leaned over the blond's shoulders to get a look as well. A second later, Rose smiled while Jade giggled at Dave's crestfallen look. She moved the car token from the Community Chest space to rest in the Jail square instead. Dave looked from his token back up to John.

"Eh, prison time for a date with a windy boy seems fair to me. Just know I'm not dropping the soap. And if it's on the floor, then gravity was at work and I had nothing to do with it. But feel free to pick it up if you want, John."

John let a deep groan leave him. Yet, between Jade's laughter, Rose's smile, and Dave's running commentary, if one were to ask him, John would readily admit his friends were all insane, and he wouldn't have them any other way.

  
∮


End file.
